It’s been awhile since a song that wasn’t gospel affected me emotionally. The last song was “Not In That Way” by Sam Smith and even then, I didn’t feel a rush as big as the one I felt yesterday. After I posted my song of the week by Lianne La Havas, I decided to listen to her album from 2012. The first couple of songs were good and offered some nice background noise while I worked. Within 50 secs of the third track “Lost and Found”, I found my hands away from the keyboard and my heart heavy.
You broke me and taught me
To truly hate myself
Unfold me and teach me how to be
Like somebody else
By the second verse, my eyes were past watering and I was in full blown tears. The song is painful, but I wasn’t crying because I was hurt, I was crying because I overcame. A couple of years ago I was in a relationship that started off beautiful. We were in love and things between us fit from the moment we met. The care he had for me glistened in his eyes and I was certain that he was the one. We were in full blown passionate, unapologetic love. Each moment we spent together felt like a breath of fresh air. After the infatuation fizzed out, so did his feelings for me. Soon, things turned sour and that gaze of admiration was replace with aloofness. At first I chose to ignore it, I thought “maybe it’s his job, maybe he has other stuff going on”. Whatever it was, I was convinced that things would eventually get better. While I was focused on the good, he became more distant. I was all in, and he was struggling to hang on. The moments that we looked forward to started feeling like a chore.
When I felt strong enough
I was discovered by the love
I had been waiting for so long
You told me none of that was real
I cannot hide how low I feel
To know that you were never wrong
My naivety got the best of me, and when he broke up with me, I was blind sided. I found myself in deep agony, nearly pleading with him to reconsider. His words were, “how could you not see this coming?”. At that time I didn’t have a reason, all I knew is that I was losing the love of my life. Void of all self decency, I asked him “What can I do to be better?”. We are constantly taught that breaking up and making up is normal, so I genuinely believed that we could make it right. For a while things did get better. I was dedicated to doing what I could to be the woman that he wanted me to be. I asked less questions, ate less pizza, stopped having an opinion, and whatever else I thought he expected of me. My changes worked for him, but I fell into deep self hate. Eventually I was so lost that neither of us knew who I was anymore. My changes started to annoy him and depress me. This time he was more distant and I was even more broken down.
You broke me
And taught me
To truly hate myself
And teach me
How to be like somebody else
Accepting that the person you love doesn’t love your true self, is painful. It makes you feel like you are not worthy of love. It makes you feel like who you are is not good enough. I did not enter my past relationship with self hate. It was the opposite actually, I was confident and loving myself. Even with my confidence and love for myself I got lost. In my brokenness I ignored that he wasn’t always nice, I ignored that he kept secrets, I ignored that to him, what he wanted was always more important than what I wanted. I’m not upset with myself for it, I just count it as a lesson learned. It took a while for me to recover. There was lots of prayer and alone time with God throughout the next several months. Losing myself in love broke me all the way down, but “ruin is the road to transformation”.
Yes, I was lost for a while, but when I found myself I discovered something. I’m awesome. Every person I fall for will not fall for me, but that does not take away from who I am. I ask a lot of questions, I love eating pizza, I’m opinionated, I can be a little shy at first, and I now know when to let go of what isn’t for me.
Watch the video for “Lost and Found” by Lianne La Havas here: