I Owe Myself An Apology

Since the 7th grade, I’ve been busy. That’s when it started. Every club, team, or event, I was involved. That didn’t slow up in high school. My resume before college had a laundry list of extracurricular activities, community service events, and a number of other things I signed up for. Being involved has been my thing for as long as I can remember. And being involved served me well. I was accepted into every university I applied to. I was a well rounded student. So when I went to college I didn’t let up on my involvement. I joined as many orgs as I could, I worked two jobs, and went to school. I joined my sorority in Spring 2010 and then joined my business fraternity Fall 2010. It was never enough for me to simply be involved in something, I had to be an officer. My senior year of college I even started a mentoring program while take 18 credits, working two jobs, and staying active in all of my orgs. While on the outside I appeared to have it together, on the inside, I was a hot mess.

My grades were terrible, I was tired all of the time, I rarely took time for myself, and I was not living my full life. Yes, my life was filled with things and people, but I was empty. Even when I had nothing to give I would say yes. My yeses made me seem like I could do it all, but silently my grades slipped into oblivion, and to this day I am surprised I graduated. It wasn’t that I didn’t care, I just didn’t make me a priority.

Now as an adult, I found myself slipping into that familiar path. I serve on the management team of my fraternity, became very involved in my sorority at the graduate level, jumped on every project imaginable, and said yes to everyone. Everyone but me. I started to neglect the things that were important to me, like this blog or going to school. I got so caught up in stuff that I became complacent at work and no longer made knowledge a priority. I was failing myself and on the outside it looked like I was conquering the world.

But no more. I’m tired of putting my dreams to the side. I’m sick of giving all of me to everything and leaving nothing for me. I love helping people and I love supporting others, but I have lacked balance. And in my lack of balance in investing more into others, I have allowed fear to consume me. I’ve became complacent in where I was, but I know there is more to life. I know there is more for me and I can’t feel guilty for letting some things go.  I am extremely grateful for the friendships that I have gained and the connections I have made with people. I’m grateful the opportunities I have had for being so involved. It has and will likely always be a major part of my life.  There is no way I will stop being invested in my community and the dreams of others, but I need to know how great I can be when I invest in myself.

So to myself, I want to say I apologize. I apologize for not leaving time for you to grow. I apologize for not making me a priority. I apologize for pushing you and forcing you to do more when you had nothing left. I apologize for not laughing more, lounging more, writing more, reading more, and doing more things to that feed the soul. I apologize for not taking risks. I apologize for losing focus on our visions. You deserve better.

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